Endometriosis and Me

Just had a couple of woeful weeks. It was only a cold, but it brought back all my joint pain and zapped all my energy. My neck, middle back and elbow joint have caused me no end of pain and my swollen throat erupted into ulcers, which then spread to my gums. So has not been pleasant. Worse of all though was becoming tired and exhausted again. It was back to taking a rest after walking down the stairs, and not being able to do something for ten minutes without being so weak I felt like fainting.

Normally none of this would have bothered me, just part and parcel of having a cold. But because I have spent so long being so ill, I was worried I wouldn't be able to get myself well again and would be stuck back at square one. I was struck though how I had forgotten how it felt to be so stiff and in so much pain all the time, despite the fact that I was like that for years.

But I seem on the other side of it now. The cold and ulcers have cleared up, but I'm left prone to exhaustion. My heart arrythmia has gone bad again too, it feels like my heart is too big for my rib cage! boom boom boom BIG boom boom boom boom BIG boom. Very uncomfortable. So for both that and the exhaustion I have ordered C0Q10 again, which helped me out alot before.

I wanted to order something for my immune sytem and glucosamine for my joint tissue as I can feel my one knee crunch and grind all the time now, and I raelly ought to help it out before it gets too bad, but I'm reluctant to spend any more money just at the moment on supplements because it's costing me a fortune I don't have.

Not a great thought that every time I get a cold I'm going to be knocked about as bad as this.

One of husband's friends invited himself around last night, calling with an hours notice to say he was popping around. I tried to put him off because I've been suffering with a cold and yesterday I just slobbed around the house in scruffy clothes and didn't shower, waiting for my husband to come home and give me some TLC. He wouldn't take no for an answer however, and said husband had suggested he come round this week because they had something to sort out (long story) so I told him to at least give husband a chance to get home from work and have a cup of tea before he knocked on our door.

When he came I was just getting into the bath, and it didn't take long to realise that he had bought his two little girls with him - I could well hear their general squeeling coming from downstairs. I should have had the sense to realise then that little girls have even less bladder capacity than me and that at some time before the night was out they would want to use the loo.

I had to get out of the bath after about half an hour to let one of them use the loo, and then didn't feel much like getting back into the bath after that so had a shower instead.

After they'd gone husband said his mate had been a bit weird and had given two abortive attempts to explain why he'd bought the kids.

I've no problem with him bringing the kids, I've met them and they are two lovely little girls, but I don't understand why he didn't mention it to me on the phone. Then I would have been showered for when he arrived and spent some time with them. As it was, I felt like an ignorant cow holed up in the bathroom keeping out of the way.

The thing as well about bringing kids around to a house in which no kids live is that there is nothing here for kids to do or eat. Or even drink. There is only tea or water in this house. There are no crisps, or chocolates or biscuits to offer. No things to play with. So whilst husband and his mate tried to talk business they were also trying to handle two lively little bored girls. Husband thinks that the idea had been for him to offload the kids on me whilst they got on with things, in which case a bit of notice would have helped! Not to mention actually being told the kids were coming around!

So now his mate probably thinks I'm an ignorant cow who hates his offspring, but it was just the wrong thing to happen at the wrong time.

I went to lunch with one of my friends. She can be good company, we have a laugh together, text each other often, pop round to each others abodes when either of us is ill. Which is frequently.

She's the closet thing I've got a female best friend. But I'm definitely not her best friend because she already has one of those. They've known each other sice primary school. My friend helped her best friend organise her wedding and went on their honeymoon with the happy couple, that's how much of a best friend thing they've got going on. Slightly creepy if you ask me, but each to their own.

Anyway. My friends best friend is pregnant. It's a honeymoon baby. They weren't trying for a baby you understand, but they weren't not trying either. How fine and dandy for them.

And I'm getting lock, stock and barrel of the whole pregnacy saga. I'm getting the ultrasounds, the cot buying, the name deciding. And quite frankly it's killing me. I was really good at first. I smiled and asked questions and generally tried not to act like my heart was being ripped out, but that only encouraged the forthcomming of more stories. So when we met for lunch this week, when my fiend started on the saga of her best friends pregnancy I responded in the way I felt like responding, which was to change the subject.

A part of me wonders does she not do it deliberately, to be honest. Dropping bombshells of a subject into conversation is something she has always done, as she puts it, 'just to see what happens', so it wouldn't be a great surprise. She was the one who recently told me (like I wouldn't have heard) that some people think ME is a made up illness - and didn't meet my eye as she said it. She was also the one who when I was discussing my lack of ability to get pregnant all those years ago when I was actually trying to get pregannat, told me to stop going on about it and to cheer up look on the bright side etc etc etc.

Surely she must have joined up the dots? I was trying to get pregnant. Never did. Got diagnosed with endo. Still don't have children. I mean, it shouldn't take a genius to work out what's happened with me. And so you'd think that she'd reckon that talking about her best friends easy pregnancy would be painful for me. But obviously not.

Perhaps if I just keep changing the subject when she starts to tell me the latest she will finally work it out. If I don't start letting her know now that I don't want to hear this stuff then it will never stop, because she's going to be a godmother to it when it's born.

I could of course just tell her how I feel about it, and ask her not to bring it up, but to be honest we're not that close emotionally and it's not something I want to talk about with her directly.

Update:
having read this through, I feel I've been a bit hard on my friend. I think she probably talks about her best friend's pregnancy because she's her best friend and she's excited and pleased for her. I don't think she does it to get at me, not really. It just feels like that because I'm so goddam sensitive.